A Year of Unfortunate Events — Part the Eighth: Abbot and Costello Meet Beatrice
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| I feel like there's a Crocodile Dundee joke somewhere in this cover, but I'm sure I can put my finger on it. |
Happy 13th of the month, readers (both hypothetical and otherwise)! You know what that means: it's
time for me to revisit another entry in Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events!
Sticking with that intro?
Yes.
All right.
SPOILERS ahoy!
Now that we're officially into the series' back half, have we passed the point of diminishing returns?
Are you talking about the book series by Lemony Snicket or the blog series by me?
Either.
Well, I have to admit the fact that I remember much less about the books after The Vile Village may be a bad sign. As far as the blog series. I suppose that yes, I am worried that I will run out of things to talk about. But let's not worry about that until after I've re-read
Book the Eighth – The Hostile Hospital
So do you remember anything about this book?
Yikes. No. Um, if pressed I'd say that Count Olaf shows up disguised as a doctor, and his accomplices as like nurses and orderlies.
Because it's set in a hospital.
Yeah, because it's set in a hospital. Lemme go read.
All right, now that you've read the book, how accurate were your memories?
Remember how I said that Olaf probably disguised himself as a doctor?
I do.
I was wrong. So our story picks up pretty much right where The Vile Village left off: the Baudelaire orphans, Violet, 14, Klaus, 13, and Sunny, 1, are on the run from the inhabitants of the Village of Fowl Devotees who want to burn them at the stake after Count Olaf framed them for murdering Count Olaf (it was actually Jacques Snicket in disguise as Count Olaf). They make their way to the Last Chance Gas Station where they are lucky enough to find two things: 1) the station attendant hasn't received The Daily Punctilio yet, and B) there's a telegraph machine. Although they manage to get a telegraph out to their banker, Mr. Poe, they're forced to flee when the paper is delivered.
Why do they have to leave when the paper shows up?
Cause it has the front page headline about the murder accusation.
Oh, okay.
Fortunately, there's a V.F.D. van about to leave the gas station and the Baudelaires hop on board.
Is the van delivering Very Fancy Doilies?
No.
And it doesn't belong to the municipality of the Village of Fowl Devotees?
No. It's actually driving the Volunteers Fighting Disease out to Heimlich Hospital. Fortunately for the Baudelaires, this VFD thinks that no news is good news, so they haven't seen The Daily Punctilio article about the Baudelaires' alleged crimes. Unfortunately, they're disgustingly peppy, as you can probably tell from this illustration by Brett Helquist.
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| Well, it's not quite killing fascists, but fighting disease is also pretty noble. |
What chord is that?
It's hard to say from the picture, but I'll bet it's either an A Major or an E11 ♭5 sus4.
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| Fig. 1 an A major chord. |
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| Fig. 2 An E11 ♭5 sus4 chord. |
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| Fig. 3 Another way to play an E11 ♭5 sus4 chord. |
And what, pray tell, does an E11 ♭5 sus4 sound like?
Quite dissonant. Like a chord in desperate need of resolution.
So that would pretty appropriate to the plight of the Baudelaire orphans.
Indeed it would. But it wouldn't be appropriate for the kind of cheerful song sung by the V.F.D. So it's probably an A major.
Have you considered the possibility that Brett Helquist doesn't know how to play guitar and just wanted to communicate that the character is playing guitar?
Or the character could be using an alternate tuning. Anyway, the VFD also don't use names, they just call everyone "Brother" or "Sister." Once again, quite convenient for the Baudelaires. At Heimlich Hospital they jump at the chance to volunteer in the Library of Records to see if they can find out anything that will prove that they are innocent of murdering Count Olaf (or Jacques Snicket). Unfortunately, Hal the librarian tells them that they aren't supposed to read any of the paperwork they file away, just file it. Also, although he doesn't read The Daily Punctilio (due to its copious errors), he does recognize the Baudelaires from a file on the Snicket fires. Anyway, the orphans work in the Library of Records (which has a, shall we say, loose definition of organization) by day and sleep in the unfinished wing of the hospital by night.
Unfinished wing?
Yeah, see, while one wing of the hospital is full constructed and ornately decorated, the other wing is basically just wooden framing.
That's not how construction works.
I mean, it's hardly the least believable thing to happen in this series. Anyway, one day, the intercom crackles and instead of hearing the voice of Babs, the Human Resources Director, they hear the voice of Count Olaf, claiming to be a man named Mattathias, the new head of HR. Mattathias says that all employees and volunteers will be subject to inspection. This leads the Baudelaires to take immediate action. Using Violet's hair ribbon and a number of bent paperclips as a substitute, they take Hal's keys and sneak into the library that night. Fortunately, they find the file on the Snicket fires, unfortunately, most of the file has already been taken by investigators. All that remains is a picture of their parents, Jacques Snicket and a man with his face obscured.
Is that man Lemony Snicket?
I mean, do you even have to ask at this point?
Will Lemony Snicket be an important character later in the series?
Probably not. Anyway, Esmé Squalor now wearing the newly in look of a black veil and literal stiletto heels confronts the children and tries to crush them by toppling over filing cabinets. Violet lets Esmé capture her so that Klaus and Sunny can escape through the book depository. The next morning, Mattathias makes two important announcements: A) the inspections have been called off and 2) Drs. O. Lucafont and Flacutono will be performing a cranioectomy in the operating theater.
Wait? A cranioectomy? Like a decapitation?
Yep! Now, they're not 100% sure, but it seems pretty likely to Klaus and Sunny that Olaf is using this operation as a way to murder Violet, so they sneak a patient list away from some V.F.D. volunteers and hide in a supply closet.
Uh. . . why?
To see if they can find Violet, of course. Klaus uses a clue from the Quagmires' notes to figure out that not only is Al Funcoot (the auhor of The Marvelous Marriage play from The Bad Beginning) an anagram of Count Olaf (something that I did not notice and point out when covering that book, to my eternal shame), but that Violet is probably listed under an anagrammed pseudonym as well. So, he and Sunny use some alphabet soup figure out the anagram, identify where their sister is, suit up in white coats and face masks, and head to the room of Laura V. Bleediotie. On the way, Esmé mistakes them for two of Olaf's accomplices and slips them a rusty, serrated knife to perform the operation. They find Violet has already been anesthetized and that Drs. O. Lucafont and Flacutono are, in fact, the hook-handed man and the long-nosed, bald man, who are reusing their aliases from The Reptile Room and The Miserable Mill.
Both also anagrams of Count Olaf.
What?
It's pretty obvious.
I know, I noticed this time, but it definitely went over my head in those previous books.
To your eternal shame?
Indeed. Anyway, Lucafont and Flacutono believe Klaus and Sunny to be the powder-faced women and they all wheel Violet to the operating theater. While there, Klaus stalls for time by sharing such facts as the history of the knife until Esmé barges in with the powder-faced women and announces that the three orphans who murdered Count Olaf are in the hospital. Then Hal shows up and announces that those orphans stole his keys and started a fire in the Library of Records. The Baudelaires beat a hasty retreat on Violet's gurney and barricade themselves in another supply closet in the Ward for People with Nasty Rashes while being pursued by the person of indeterminate gender (whom Lemony Snicket still refers to as "it").
Are you really that concerned about a fictional criminal being misgendered?
Well, more about a kids' book seeming to endorse referring to a human being as "it" generally. Anyway, through all this Mattathias is making announcements on the intercom which gives Violet the idea to make a crude loudspeaker out of a soup can to imitate Mattathias.
To what end?
To tell everyone that the Baudelaires are hiding in the unfinished wing of the hospital so that the crowd of people in front of the hospital will look for them there. This allows the Baudelaires to bungie jump out of the window and crawl through the smoke which happens to hide them from Olaf and his accomplices who are also beating a hasty retreat. Well, except for the person of indeterminate gender, who is still in the Ward for People with Nasty Rashes. With nowhere else to turn, the Baudelaires make what is perhaps their most desperate decision yet, and hop into the trunk of Olaf's car.
What?
Well, they don't really have anywhere else to run, and now they're suspected of both murder and arson.
Things are going to get a whole more unfortunate before they get more fortunate, aren't they?
That they are.
So what's this month's topic?
Oh, well, I though we could just play this one by ear. There's a lot going on in this book, and, well, maybe we need to break formula a little as well.
I'm game. What do you want to talk about first.
The formula break. It works fantastically. I'd actually go so far as to say that this is the best book in the series so far. At least from a plot perspective. There is still a little bit of clunkiness built-in from being part of a children's book series.
It's the fact that Snicket has to keep reintroducing the characters and premise to readers who are jumping in with the new book, isn't it?
Guessed it in one. Yeah, the fact that Lemony Snicket can't assume that everyone is up-to-date means that there are a few paragraphs in each book that I find myself itching to skip.
But you have to remember that back in the day these were coming out every six months to a year, and people who read the last book months ago probably appreciated a refresher.
That is true. In any case, the quality of the writing remains the same. Still readable for kids and endeavoring to teach them more advanced vocabulary with a winking, conspiratorial tone that says, "I'm not trying to teach you anything, we're just having fun." And, as I mentioned earlier, breaking free of the constraints of the formula has allowed Snicket to craft a harrowing and suspenseful adventure. While it's true that Mr. Poe and their previous guardians functioned very poorly as a safety net, the Baudelaires still had the illusion of a support system. Now they're on their own with nobody who even feels obligated to look out for them.
I recall this being exactly the thing that you worried about when this feature started.
Beg pardon?
You thought it was troubling that the series depicts all adults as either hostile or ineffectual. You thought that it might deter children from seeking help if they're victims of abuse.
Oh. Right. Well, maybe I've just banished the hobgoblin of little minds.
Foolish consistency? I thought you hated Ralph Waldo Emerson.
I do, but once again, I've shunned foolish consistency.
Lucas.
Okay, fine. Yeah, I do still think that's an issue. It's not enough to keep me from enjoying the books, but it is one of those little things gnawing at the back of my brain.
Should I distract you by changing the subject?
Sure!
How 'bout allusions?
Oh, those are still around. Obviously you saw the picture referencing Woody Guthrie's guitar.
Indeed.
And then in addition to all of the near anagrams of Violet's name, most of the patient manifest is made up of literary references like Emma Bovary or Clarissa Dalloway, that will definitely go over the kids' heads. They might have heard of the Heimlich maneuver.
It's actually called the abdominal thrust now.
Oh.
It's also not recommended as a first response to help someone who's choking.
I think we're getting off topic. The point here is that while an earlier attempt at breaking formula (The Miserable Mill) failed, The Hostile Hospital proves that the series might just be adaptable enough to make it to the thirteenth entry. I mean, we know it did. But still. Also, the fact that the Baudelaires have been forced into even more desperate circumstances adds a new dimension to the books' morality.
Because they have to lie, steal, and disguise themselves?
It makes them start questioning the series' earlier black and white morality, and their own morality. It presents children with a more complicated view than just right-or-wrong. So yeah, in spite of the fact that I had largely forgotten the particulars, this was actually a pretty exciting read.
What's coming up next month?
It's The Carnivorous Carnival.
Cool see you then.
Links:
Here's the Gothic Archies track for this book: "Smile! No One Cares How You Feel" which is not great, I'll be honest. I definitely think Merritt was phoning it in a little in the back half of the series.
Here's one of the bonus tracks from the Gothic Archies collection of ASOUE album The Tragic Treasury: "Walking My Gargoyle." It's a better song.
Wait? A cranioectomy? Like a decapitation?
Yep! Now, they're not 100% sure, but it seems pretty likely to Klaus and Sunny that Olaf is using this operation as a way to murder Violet, so they sneak a patient list away from some V.F.D. volunteers and hide in a supply closet.
Uh. . . why?
To see if they can find Violet, of course. Klaus uses a clue from the Quagmires' notes to figure out that not only is Al Funcoot (the auhor of The Marvelous Marriage play from The Bad Beginning) an anagram of Count Olaf (something that I did not notice and point out when covering that book, to my eternal shame), but that Violet is probably listed under an anagrammed pseudonym as well. So, he and Sunny use some alphabet soup figure out the anagram, identify where their sister is, suit up in white coats and face masks, and head to the room of Laura V. Bleediotie. On the way, Esmé mistakes them for two of Olaf's accomplices and slips them a rusty, serrated knife to perform the operation. They find Violet has already been anesthetized and that Drs. O. Lucafont and Flacutono are, in fact, the hook-handed man and the long-nosed, bald man, who are reusing their aliases from The Reptile Room and The Miserable Mill.
Both also anagrams of Count Olaf.
What?
It's pretty obvious.
I know, I noticed this time, but it definitely went over my head in those previous books.
To your eternal shame?
Indeed. Anyway, Lucafont and Flacutono believe Klaus and Sunny to be the powder-faced women and they all wheel Violet to the operating theater. While there, Klaus stalls for time by sharing such facts as the history of the knife until Esmé barges in with the powder-faced women and announces that the three orphans who murdered Count Olaf are in the hospital. Then Hal shows up and announces that those orphans stole his keys and started a fire in the Library of Records. The Baudelaires beat a hasty retreat on Violet's gurney and barricade themselves in another supply closet in the Ward for People with Nasty Rashes while being pursued by the person of indeterminate gender (whom Lemony Snicket still refers to as "it").
Are you really that concerned about a fictional criminal being misgendered?
Well, more about a kids' book seeming to endorse referring to a human being as "it" generally. Anyway, through all this Mattathias is making announcements on the intercom which gives Violet the idea to make a crude loudspeaker out of a soup can to imitate Mattathias.
To what end?
To tell everyone that the Baudelaires are hiding in the unfinished wing of the hospital so that the crowd of people in front of the hospital will look for them there. This allows the Baudelaires to bungie jump out of the window and crawl through the smoke which happens to hide them from Olaf and his accomplices who are also beating a hasty retreat. Well, except for the person of indeterminate gender, who is still in the Ward for People with Nasty Rashes. With nowhere else to turn, the Baudelaires make what is perhaps their most desperate decision yet, and hop into the trunk of Olaf's car.
What?
Well, they don't really have anywhere else to run, and now they're suspected of both murder and arson.
Things are going to get a whole more unfortunate before they get more fortunate, aren't they?
That they are.
So what's this month's topic?
Oh, well, I though we could just play this one by ear. There's a lot going on in this book, and, well, maybe we need to break formula a little as well.
I'm game. What do you want to talk about first.
The formula break. It works fantastically. I'd actually go so far as to say that this is the best book in the series so far. At least from a plot perspective. There is still a little bit of clunkiness built-in from being part of a children's book series.
It's the fact that Snicket has to keep reintroducing the characters and premise to readers who are jumping in with the new book, isn't it?
Guessed it in one. Yeah, the fact that Lemony Snicket can't assume that everyone is up-to-date means that there are a few paragraphs in each book that I find myself itching to skip.
But you have to remember that back in the day these were coming out every six months to a year, and people who read the last book months ago probably appreciated a refresher.
That is true. In any case, the quality of the writing remains the same. Still readable for kids and endeavoring to teach them more advanced vocabulary with a winking, conspiratorial tone that says, "I'm not trying to teach you anything, we're just having fun." And, as I mentioned earlier, breaking free of the constraints of the formula has allowed Snicket to craft a harrowing and suspenseful adventure. While it's true that Mr. Poe and their previous guardians functioned very poorly as a safety net, the Baudelaires still had the illusion of a support system. Now they're on their own with nobody who even feels obligated to look out for them.
I recall this being exactly the thing that you worried about when this feature started.
Beg pardon?
You thought it was troubling that the series depicts all adults as either hostile or ineffectual. You thought that it might deter children from seeking help if they're victims of abuse.
Oh. Right. Well, maybe I've just banished the hobgoblin of little minds.
Foolish consistency? I thought you hated Ralph Waldo Emerson.
I do, but once again, I've shunned foolish consistency.
Lucas.
Okay, fine. Yeah, I do still think that's an issue. It's not enough to keep me from enjoying the books, but it is one of those little things gnawing at the back of my brain.
Should I distract you by changing the subject?
Sure!
How 'bout allusions?
Oh, those are still around. Obviously you saw the picture referencing Woody Guthrie's guitar.
Indeed.
And then in addition to all of the near anagrams of Violet's name, most of the patient manifest is made up of literary references like Emma Bovary or Clarissa Dalloway, that will definitely go over the kids' heads. They might have heard of the Heimlich maneuver.
It's actually called the abdominal thrust now.
Oh.
It's also not recommended as a first response to help someone who's choking.
I think we're getting off topic. The point here is that while an earlier attempt at breaking formula (The Miserable Mill) failed, The Hostile Hospital proves that the series might just be adaptable enough to make it to the thirteenth entry. I mean, we know it did. But still. Also, the fact that the Baudelaires have been forced into even more desperate circumstances adds a new dimension to the books' morality.
Because they have to lie, steal, and disguise themselves?
It makes them start questioning the series' earlier black and white morality, and their own morality. It presents children with a more complicated view than just right-or-wrong. So yeah, in spite of the fact that I had largely forgotten the particulars, this was actually a pretty exciting read.
What's coming up next month?
It's The Carnivorous Carnival.
Cool see you then.
Links:
Here's the Gothic Archies track for this book: "Smile! No One Cares How You Feel" which is not great, I'll be honest. I definitely think Merritt was phoning it in a little in the back half of the series.
Here's one of the bonus tracks from the Gothic Archies collection of ASOUE album The Tragic Treasury: "Walking My Gargoyle." It's a better song.
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